NOTE: Below is the transcript for Episode #3 of the Healing Maven podcast. We cleaned it up a bit to ensure it reads well but otherwise the content hasn’t been altered!
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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Healing Maven podcast!
I am your host, Jaymie Sutherland, Spiritual Healer, Teacher, and Guide.
Bringing you back home to the divinely supported, loving, joyous, and powerful being you are within💖
Today I want to talk about relationships, I want to talk about inner worth and how they’re tied to self-love.
Because your relationship, the relationship you desire, is completely connected to your inner self-worth.
And not just connected but determined.
It’s determined by your inner self-worth because what you believe you deserve in a partner is exactly what you’ll receive.
No matter what you think you want, or what you think you deserve; what you subconsciously believe you are worthy of in a partner, in a relationship, is exactly what you are going to get.
That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the level of love you believe you’re worthy of because that is your minimum set point.
When you’re holding trauma within, unconsciously, around how worthy you are, it brings that set point down because you’re not completely aware.
That’s the purpose of it being subconscious.
That’s the purpose of it being below the level of what you’re aware of, below what you know within your mind, or what you know within your head.
You have to get down into that inner self-worth.
And the way you can see where you’re at is by looking at the relationships you have directly right now.
You can see the way you’re being treated, you can feel the way your relationships make you feel.
That’s indicating to you a level of set point that you are, you know, settling for less than what you deserve, settling for less than what you want even.
So if you look at your relationships and you’re like,
“I don’t actually want that behavior” or “I don’t like that action”.
“I don’t like when they say this… when they do this… when it makes me feel this way… but it’s the relationship I have so…”
Why??
You know… why do you feel like whatever you have right now, if it’s less than what you want from a partner, want from a friendship, want from your family,
if it’s less than what you desire, WHY do you believe you deserve less?
Why do you believe what you desire is less than what you can actually have?
And the way you know you believe you deserve less is because you are experiencing less than what you desire in your relationships now.
And it makes me sad because I see people who settle for each other.
Where they’re just, they’re not a match or they were never a match, or were once a match, but they have a fear of being alone so they’re afraid to break off or break away.
Or they people please because they don’t know how to break it off.
Or they believe being unhappy, and not miserable necessarily, not depressed, but just literally not being as happy as they can be, isn’t reason enough to make a change.
So they wait, unhappily, for the other person to break it off or even to do something awful that’ll give them a reason to make a change whether that’s to leave or to demand more or to set up boundaries or whatever that might be.
It’s like they want the other person to do this horrendous thing so they have a reason and then, whether for themselves, to be able to say,
“Of course I had to leave. I had to break it off, I know I did the right thing”.
It’s like there needs to be this terrible thing for us to feel like it was the right thing to end a relationship because ending or changing a relationship just because we’re unhappy isn’t enough.
And that just makes me really sad, because we’re meant to be happy.
We’re meant to feel good.
But if you don’t think you’re worthy of more, and not think, if you don’t feel, if you don’t know, you are worthy of more than you go, “oh its close enough…”
“Well you know, it’s enough”, or “it was so hard to find this person and I’m afraid I might not find another”, or “it’s just really lonely to be alone”.
It’s so tied to your worth.
It’s all tied to how lovable you believe you are and how much love you feel for yourself.
And you might be thinking,
“oh I do love myself! I’m happy most of the time and I’m positive with myself.
I try to think positively and love on my body and love on myself”.
But then you look at your relationships and you aren’t being treated well, or you just aren’t being treated in the way you want to be treated.
That’s not self-love.
Self-love is not only loving yourself with your words, loving yourself with your thoughts,
but loving yourself so deeply, so much, that you set standards for your experiences.
You set standards for the relationships you allow, for the relationships you welcome in.
You set standards for everything and then you, not stick to them necessarily, but you support them, you, uhm, what word am I looking for here…
Uphold.
You uphold them.
You love yourself so much that you uphold those boundaries, those standards, those expectations for what you desire to experience.
That is true, deep self-love, deep inner worth.
Because someone who loves themself completely unconditionally doesn’t settle for less.
They take what they love from each relationship and they build upon it.
So if you’re attracting the same type of person or the same types of behaviors over and over and over, it’s because you aren’t learning.
You’re not upholding that boundary.
You’re not experiencing this relationship to find out pieces you like, pieces you don’t like.
And it doesn’t mean we’re leaving every relationship, but when you discover something new that you’re like, “oof I didn’t like that that wasn’t for me”, you communicate it.
Because again, you love yourself so much that you communicate your needs, you communicate your new desires.
Everything we experience, this is so important, because everything we experience is with the purpose of discovering and fine-tuning exactly what is right for us.
It’s about learning what we need to change just as much as what we desire.
So as you are moving through relationship experiences, you’re changing, you’re growing, and then you’re communicating that with the person you’re with so they can either decide to meet you in these new boundaries, in these new desires, or they can decide that’s not something they want to pursue and you make different decisions.
When you’re in relationships you’re always, always, in my opinion, choosing to come together.
Choosing to stay together, choosing that that is the person for you and you have to rechoose, reselect, and reaffirm they’re who you want.
Because everybody changes.
And if we’re supposed to be with somebody, or we choose to be with somebody, a partner, a friendship, whatever that might be, for decades, right!
For decades, you’re going to change.
Which means you have to rechoose.
This was a really big thing for my partner and me.
We’ve been together for 13 years I think, coming up this year 13 years or maybe 12, and we’ve been married for I think 6 or 7.
3 years ago when I really first decided I wanted something different than the life we had kind of been living, when I decided I wanted something more and I started my own healing journey, I really dove into discovering who I am, what I want, and what will make me happy.
Because it’s also my responsibility.
Your happiness is your responsibility.
Everyone around you that you invite into your life, the experiences, and the people you invite into your life, add to your happiness, build upon your happiness.
But you have to be happy already.
You have to be creating that within yourself and for yourself.
You are the only one responsible for what you allow in or what you ask to leave or remove from your life.
That is your responsibility, your happiness is your responsibility.
So when I took that on, and I really took that on!
I started going deeply into how I wanted to live and what I wanted to experience, which eventually included what I wanted from my partner.
How I wanted to be seen and felt and loved by the person I was with.
So that meant we had to have lots of new conversations, lots of new discoveries.
Sometimes it felt like dating all over again!
Learning each other all over again.
Especially for him because I had changed so much.
Who I am now, is so different from who I was.
And the core elements of course are still there but I am so different and he had to rechoose.
So we’ve had many conversations over the years as I went through new breakdowns, new ego deaths, and new soul awakenings.
Every time I went through something major and came out with a new piece of myself I had rediscovered, with a new gift, a new experience, a new desire, a new manifestation, we would have conversations and I remember being afraid.
And I honestly actually had to grieve who we were as a couple before.
I had to grieve those people to create space for us to become the new people, the new couple, the new partner, who we were going to be moving forward if we decided to stay together.
And I remember being so afraid, but having to ask him, like saying to him,
“I need you to choose me again, who I am now because I understand it’s not necessarily fair to just assume or put pressure on you to stay with me when I’m a completely different person than I was before.
You deserve happiness just as much as I do, so if I’m no longer the person you can see yourself with because that is how different I am, I understand.
But if you do want to continue to choose me, I’m ready to choose you too and rediscover who we are together, rediscover each other, rediscover everything”.
But it’s a choice, right, it was a choice and I wanted him to make that choice not from a sense of, well we’ve made it this far… or you know a sense of, well we’ve been together for so long there’s a history…
History is history.
History is in the past.
And I’m not saying it means nothing, I love our history, we have beautiful history.
But my future is going to be different.
So while I can hold love and appreciate that history, that’s not who I am anymore so that’s possibly not who you can be either.
You know, there’s new levels we’re both going to have to meet each other in and I’m not dipping down anymore.
And that was big because that felt selfish when I first started exploring it but I was like, you know what, I’m not lowering myself to a level of who I used to be.
So not even necessarily, well absolutely nothing, to do with him.
But I was no longer lowering myself to who I used to be, the person that I used to be, so that meant if there were aspects of that person I used to be he wanted, I was no longer being that person because it didn’t feel good anymore.
It didn’t feel aligned anymore.
So he also kind of had to go through his own grieving process.
And I don’t know how much he has, we haven’t talked about that as deeply because that’s his journey and I’m always open to hearing it of course, but his journey is his just as mine is mine and then we come together to recommunicate and refind each other.
It’s so important to continue choosing each other and to take what you love from each relationship, from each point you’re at, and build upon it.
So you’re filtering and honing your desires.
You’re filtering and honing the person, the partner, you want to have so every experience is a learning where you start to become a match for the partner you desire.
So when they come in you’re able to recognize them and they’re also able to recognize you.
Because as you are honing, hopefully so are they, as you are healing, hopefully so are they.
And again it isn’t to say that if you’re in a relationship already where every box isn’t being met that it can’t be.
But as you discover the new things you appreciate in a partner, as you both change and you grow and you want more or you want different or you want less, learn to communicate that with each other.
And learn to do it in a space knowing you both want to be loved and you both want to love each other.
And then you both have the choice whether or not to meet each other in your new wants or your new needs or what isn’t going to work and sometimes you might find a compromise but don’t find a compromise that feels bad.
And I’m also not saying change is going to happen overnight, this is a big thing where we think sometimes…
and I think because when we’re first communicating and we’re first learning, it does feel vulnerable and it does feel scary and it does feel like this new thing you’re doing so you almost have to amp yourself up.
So if you feel like you have to amp yourself up to meet that person and express your needs, that’s totally fine.
I get that, but also try to make space for yourself before you enter that conversation and find a place of love.
Like, “I am communicating this because of how much I love myself and this is a way I desire to be loved, this is a place where I desire to be met, so if this person is a person who will be able to meet me there because they’re the person that’s going to love me, they will’.
And it might not happen immediately, it might take a little time, there might be a transition period.
My poor husband…
When I was beginning my journey there was so many things I just kind of threw at him because I was doing it very willy-nilly.
I was doing a lot of it on my own from my own study, my own learning, my own healing.
So that meant he was kind of learning at the same time I was.
All the things I know now, all the things I guide my clients on now, all the things I teach now on:
– how to communicate with your partner.
– how to create safe, loving spaces first.
– how to make sure you’re connecting with your intention.
– how to make sure the boundaries you’re building, and the desires you’re pressing are coming from a pure place of love and soul desire.
From heart intention, not ego, not human, but from the depth of your soul, this is what I desire.
And they are different, and you can learn to tell the difference.
So all these things I know now about basically creating the foundations, and it’s almost prep work, foundational prep work, before you decide to heal, before you decide to intentionally dive into your own healing journey.
If you have a partner, you can help ease it for them as well so the transition for you both is understood.
So the communication is open, the lines are open.
I didn’t have that, we didn’t have that.
So we were both like, just tossed into the fire and everything I was learning, he was almost learning at the same time so it was emotional, it was tumultuous, it was a lot for both of us.
And we’re on the other side now but man did it take a while, you know, it took a few years.
It does not have to take that long for you, it doesn’t.
I have so many tools and practises that I now know how to integrate, implement, and uphold, to hold to.
These are the things I now pass along, these are the things I teach, and these are the things I help you create so when you enter your healing portal it’s so much smoother.
Another thing about partnerships I like to touch on is regarding “equal” partnerships not necessarily being partners who do everything “equally”.
To me, it’s partners who can meet their partner where they want them or need them.
So as someone who has been married and with the same partner for over a decade, communication will make or break your relationship.
And it’s definitely come close to breaking myself and I’m sure my partner would say similar things, he’s definitely had breaking points.
But as you start to vibrate at a higher frequency that’s a match for the soul within you, it’s also a pure match for everything you desire.
As you start healing those worthy wounds within yourself, you start clearing the emotional trauma, you start becoming a match for what you desire, and you start to understand you can meet each other in a partnership.
Where it will feel equal because you are being held in the energy you want to be held in and they are being held in the energy they want to be held in.
And because you’re taking care of yourself first, because you’re taking care of your happiness first, your needs, your wants, and then communicating so your partner knows what you need, they’re able to be support.
They’re able to be your help, they’re able to be your support team when you need it but you also know how to support yourself, you know how to meet yourself.
So in those “equal” partnerships, you find your unique equilibrium.
And what you’re equilibrium is going to be will be different from anybody elses and you won’t know what that equilibrium is going to be until you know who you are.
Until you have that deep inner self-worth, that deep inner self-love, so you attract your match.
You begin to get out of the way and you begin to attract in the relationships you want as you become the person who can hold and honour them.
You become the person who can receive them because you feel so completely worthy of everything you desire.
So in your experiences, I encourage you to have so much grace and patience for yourself.
Because it can be frustrating, I know it can be frustrating trying to find a partner.
And I also know it’s impressed upon us by society and by family to find a partner, to get married, to have kids, to buy a home, to get a job.
Like all these things finding love is pushed upon us so we get caught up in the stigma of it, in the status of it, in the checking off the boxes of it.
And the only boxes in my opinion we should be worried about checking are:
– are we happy?
– does this feel good?
– do I feel good when I have it, when I hold it, when I’m around it?
– are we growing?
– can I grow on my own? can they grow on their own? are we growing together?
– are we meeting each other? do we choose each other every day?
Relationships are something I love talking about, I think because my husband and I did it by the seat of our pants, they’re something I’m very passionate about.
Especially because of how much I see young people stay with the person they were with in high school or stay with the person they met in college, not because they want to but because they feel like they’re supposed to.
And people can absolutely find themselves, or find each other, well they can find themselves too, but they can find each other at any age.
I think you can absolutely meet your partner at 16 or 17 but I also think you can meet your partner at 25, at 30, at 40, at 50, there’s no age.
And that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely if you’re someone who finds their person a little bit “later” in life.
You can build that within yourself and I know it sounds cliche.
And I know you might be listening and you might be going,
“yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve been together for 12 years”.
That doesn’t mean I have not felt completely alone in those years.
You have to choose every day the person you’re with.
There’s no assumptions, there’s no this is just it because it’s it.
You get to choose.
Start by choosing yourself.
I want to take you through an exercise to begin honing in on your dream relationship, on your desired love, on the partner you want and making sure it’s coming from a place of love and coming from a place of what YOU want, not what you think you’re supposed to want or have.
So the first thing I want you to do is make a list of what you desire to have in your dream relationship.
And this can go for any type of relationship, if you want to do a love relationship like a partner or if you want to do friendship, or if you want to do it for the type of coworkers you want to have, the type of employees you want to have, the type of boss you want to have.
Anything, any kind of relationship, with your children, for anything.
So make a list of the dreamiest qualities you want them to have;
– the dreamiest personality traits
– the way they act
– the way they behave
– the way they speak
And don’t hold back.
Don’t think about what you’ve once had unless it’s something you want to carry forward or want to make sure you don’t carry forward.
Just stream-of-consciousness writing, make a list of everything you want the perfect, wonderful partner for you to have.
What does that perfect partner relationship look like to you and how does it make you feel?
Once you’re done, go through and reframe any “negative” points.
Like if you’ve said, “I don’t want my partner to have X”, change that into, “I want my partner to have X” versions.
You want to make sure everything is in a positive tense because your subconscious doesn’t recognize words like “can’t” or “don’t” so you want to make sure they are in “want” and “desire”
And as you go through get more detailed if it feels good, add a little bit more, and cross points out.
Once you are done with this reframing I want you to put the list down and take a moment.
Take a couple deep breaths.
I want you to wiggle your body, move the energy, root into the ground, root into mama earth, center yourself, get back into your core, and bring up feelings of love from your belly, from your heart, from wherever from everywhere and hold that feeling of love within you for a moment.
What it feels like to be loved so deeply, unconditionally by yourself, so deeply and unconditionally by this person you’ve described that you’re about to call in.
Then go back to your list and take note of how each point feels in your body.
As you read each point, how likely or possible does it feel?
On a separate piece of paper jot down the feeling and make sure you label the feeling.
You don’t want to just say, “I don’t think this is possible” and leave it at that.
I want you to say, “this point, that a person would be able to do this for me, makes me feel anxious”, or “I get mad” or “I feel grief”.
Go through and pay attention to how you feel when you read it because how you feel when you read it is going to help show you which points on your list of a desired partner are either not fully aligned so you’re going to go deeper into those to ask,
”is this coming from me? Is this a desire in my partner that I want? Or is this coming from something else or somebody else or somewhere else, something I was raised on, something I heard?”
And if it was from someone else, “is this something that I really want?”
Or if there’s a belief underneath telling you you’re not worthy.
If you have those “negative” thoughts come in that are like,
“come on that’s out there… there’s no way you’re going to have that”.
And thoughts, trails of thoughts, that come through like that are attached to beliefs.
So you want to pay attention to those, jot those down, and you’re not judging.
You’re not trying to cure them or heal them or move them in that moment, you’re just paying attention, you’re just making note.
Once you’re done, and you have these other lists with the points you don’t fully feel 100% about, that you don’t purely feel happy or excited or joyous or loving about.
You want to take those points and gather them together, reconfirm again they’re what you want and not what you think you’re supposed to have or you should want.
Then go underneath it.
If they are points you know you want, go underneath it and ask your body.
Close your eyes, bring this point to mind, and ask your body,
“do I feel worthy of this?” and just listen and pay attention to what rises.
Whether that’s new or other feelings, if you see words or visions.
And I will take those and journal on them further.
So I will stream of consciousness, allow myself to just write, that just means no judging, no timing, and I take the point and start with,
“I don’t really feel worthy of someone who will love me in this specific way [enter the point you’re journaling about] and I think it’s because of …”
Or I’ll start with “it makes me feel anxious because when I think about it I’m like how would somebody ever …” or “I’ve never seen that before”.
Really allow yourself to write.
Allow yourself to continue journaling until it’s all spent, and you’ll notice, you’ll find the more you do it the more you practise, eventually your writing rant will start to peter out and it will even start to shift.
You’re writing will start to shift into,
“I actually don’t believe [that belief] is true. This is something I really do want from this relationship type and I am worthy of it because…”
and just allow the words to flow.
And if you don’t find it shifts right away because this isn’t a practise you’ve done before, or you do very often and you’re not used to connecting and allowing things to flow, you can do it yourself.
So what you can do after you’ve let it all out on the belief; that you’ve just written out all the “horrible” things, all the reasons you don’t deserve that point in a partner or you don’t think you can have, you don’t think is possible.
Then I want you to, once you feel spent, if it didn’t shift for you in the entry as you were writing, go back to it and reread it with an open mind.
Actually, first, allow yourself to come down because you’ll feel spent.
You’ll feel energetically spent.
And you can even take a break if you need to, get up and walk around, go do something else, and then come back to it.
Reread what you wrote and notice how you feel different this time, notice where as you are reading it, the thought that’s coming in now is actually questioning the ranted belief and reasons why it’s not for you or why you’re not worthy.
Then begin to write again with, “I actually believe that I am worthy because…” and then allow yourself to write.
This is going to help you start to reframe consciously.
So it’s helping you attach or become aware of your subconscious by getting deeper into how you feel by getting deeply into the points, the beliefs, and then it’s going to allow you to reframe consciously.
And while you’re reframing it consciously in this exercise, you are also shifting subconsciously.
It will be so subtle sometimes.
Sometimes it will be big, you’ll have epiphany moments.
Other times it will be so subtle that you’ll finish your exercise, move on, and in the next conversation you have with your partner or the next date you have with a new person, you’ll realize you are different.
They’ll do something that’s an old pattern and you’ll react differently.
Then after you’ll, like the recognition dawns and you’ll go, “holy smokes! I handled that so much better than I usually do. It didn’t or it barely affected me at all”.
That’s you shifting your subconscious beliefs.
This is an incredible exercise and one that will not only help you connect with the love for yourself, because whatever you desire in your dreamiest partner, in your dreamiest friendships, in your dreamiest relationships, is showing you how much you love yourself.
And in order to attract that in you’re going to have to become the person who feels so worthy of it.
Who love themself so much they don’t settle for less because,
“this is just what I get to have because this is my new energetic minimum because this is my new minimum set point”.
I hope this episode has been so illuminating for you and I hope you have gleaned so many beautiful things!
Please share with me if you have any moments if you do this exercise message me on Instagram, message me on FB, leave a comment on the podcast episode below, and let me know.
I love hearing your changes, I love hearing your shifts, I love hearing how what I’m creating is helping you and how you’re connecting with it.
If you want me to go deeper that’s also something I love to know and I’d be so happy to go deeper on anything I talked about in this podcast.
If you feel called please leave a review so other people can find this podcast, can find us, and join us, join our community.
So thank you so much for listening, thank you for tuning in, and I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
