🎙️My Healing Journey & Reflections


the entry

Mar 17, 2024

NOTE: Below is the transcript for Episode #1 of the Healing Maven podcast. We cleaned it up a bit to ensure it reads well but otherwise the content has not been altered!

If you prefer to listen you can click through to Spotify below, or here to be directed to the podcast links page for other listening options!

Hello and welcome to the first-ever episode of the Healing Maven podcast!

I’m your host, Jaymie Sutherland, Spiritual Healer, Teacher, and Soul Guide helping you awaken and come back home to who you are 💖

I am so excited about this podcast!

It has been on my own heart for so long as something I wanted to bring out into the world.

I wanted to start by sharing a little bit about my personal healing journey and where it’s brought me, who I am today versus who I used to be or who I was before, and also just what called me to really begin healing because I think so many of us get caught up in the human experience and the world that we live in.

We get caught up in this reality that we’ve all co-created that’s inspired this sort of unified belief system.

And although there is so much within that obviously we differ through, I feel like a lot of the core fears that are created, the core beliefs that are created, are a lot of the same core wounds.

They might manifest in different ways, but when we really start breaking them down, when we really start removing those layers, removing all the pieces of the human experience of our lives so far, up to the point wherever you are today, whatever age you are today in this current lifetime, we really see that it all boils down to the very same things.

To where we all truly just want to feel loved.

To feel like we can love to the full capacity that we have to give, to feel worthy of receiving, achieving, and being, and honestly to feel worthy of even just believing.

Believing in ourselves, believing that what we want is possible, believing that we are worthy of what we want.

So again, going back to worthiness.

A lot of these core wounds are so similar and I think that has been one of the most beautiful things to realize.

As I have worked with so many beautiful people through this business or just through our own time together, I’ve really started to realize no matter what story we’re telling, no matter what story has been or that we’ve created within us from the people that we know, from the people that we love, from the people who have raised us and been around us and are even around us now…

If we don’t have this filter in place of our own inner knowing, our own inner knowledge, our own inner worth – it can be really hard to separate.

So that’s where I feel like there’s often this unified belief system that’s been created.

Especially around things such as work and career, you know…

We hear a lot of the same things, a lot of the same pushes.

And that has been probably one of the biggest pinpoints for me because throughout my entire life, when I started, when I got into the work force, I always found it really easy to work.

I loved having somewhere to go, I loved knowing exactly what to do.

I loved working my way up. I loved having opportunity for growth and managing teams.

My very first job was just in fast food. I was 14 or 15 and within a few months I had worked my way to supervisor, worked my way up, just from applying myself and even though I was still in school, I was only working technically part time, I was working so much in the evenings and so much in the weekends and applying myself that I was showing so much initiative and they recognized that within me.

That is also where I received my first real recognition, value, and that feeling of validation from a job well done, from work well done, and having it be recognized.

That‘s when my journey with worthiness started to attach itself to my work, to what I was doing in the world and who I was helping was really a small part of it.

It was still a part that I enjoyed, but I also knew that it wasn’t necessarily the customer I was going to get recognition from, if that makes sense.

Especially with fast food, obviously the interactions are often not even, you know, it’s like a couple of minutes, it’s 30 seconds. It’s such a small thing and the people that you’re actually interacitng with in that type of job are your co-workers, are your bosses, are your supervisors.

So I really started to get that attachment to doing a job well done by working really hard.

As I got older, as that evolved and I got into other jobs, I started to work my way into different career paths, into different opportunities and it started to feel like a constant uphill battle.

I became a personal trainer, I went to school, I became accredited to be a personal trainer and I did that for a while. But I started to realize that to do really well in that job in terms of finance, you had to work very, very hard to become known as a trainer.

Not only did you have to be, of course, very good at your job.

You also had to get your name out there, and I had never marketed, I had never advertised. 

At this time I’m 18-19, so still a child for all intensive purposes!

I’m just barely an adult and I want to make something of my life and I loved helping people.

I had the greatest clients that I did grow to a certain point and I worked at a few different gyms and also privately as well. But it was a lot of work for still what felt like little reward and the balance felt off.

I moved then into accounting and I, same thing, went to school and got a job and now we’re talking about a recession proof job.

This is a job everyone approved of.

Everyone around me approved of me becoming an accountant and pursuing this line of a career. 

And in this case, the opportunity to make money was there.

Get a good job with a good firm, again, I was hard working. I never had a problem getting a job. I never had a problem working my way up.

But I sat every day and although I didn’t mind the work, I did the same thing every day in my, you know, my little windowless office and I just…

That’s when I started to feel like there has got to be more.

At this time I’m now early 20’s, reaching mid-20’s, and I’m just like, I can’t. This, for the next… if I’m 20-22 at this point and I’ve got like 40 plus years minimum at doing just this...

It crushed my heart a little bit. It crushed my soul.

And I can even feel my throat start to close up because it’s like mmm, all creativity completely stifled.

From there I went into Interior Design, and again, I went back to school, got a diploma, got a job, worked my way up, and my creativity had the opportunity to flourish and I loved it. 

And again, the consistent thing that I always had, I had the greatest clients.

I worked for a company, a design company that was really wonderful and had amazing, incredible women running it, working for it. Fellow designers that were incredible designers.

And often times some of their meetings weren’t always as smooth, but I mean, what really matters is my clients were always, always, incredible. I always had the best clients!

There’s one client I can think of who was a builder and not an individual client that ended with, like we didnt get a chance to see the final projects which was too bad because they would have been beautiful.

But every other personal client that I had was just wonderful and we got to do amazing things.

I was essentially the designer that got to take the jobs that were a little bit outside of the design companies comfort zone.

They were very beautiful, natural, neutral, and organic so I would get the clients where they wanted colour and brightness.

They wanted their home to be this representation of their lives and if they were bold people that’s what I got to bring to the table.

So I also got to have so much fun and that was so rewarding.

To create beautiful spaces for people where they got to walk in and just be amazed that that was their place.

When I left that job I had clients reach out a year later and ask me if I was personally still designing and invited me to come to their home because I never actually go to see their home finished.

So they invited me to come to their home and I got to walk through it with them and see them living in it and just all my designs come to life. It was really incredible, really wonderful.

But it’s like every three years I would get this itch!

I would get this itch that was like – there’s something more.

And by the time I got out of design, I really wasn’t sure where to go because at that point I had been logical

– I used that rational brain as an accountant, all figures and numbers; you know exactly when things balance and when they don’t. 

Then I moved into design

– which was purely creative in so many ways.

So I have used all these sides that I can think of and I just didn’t know where to go because I still didn’t feel fully fulfilled! 

At that point I felt like, looking around, well, I ended up becoming quite depressed.

And I wasn’t really sure why because for all intents and purposes, I’ve been quite successful in everything I have done or tried to do.

In between those big jobs, I became a certified eyelash technician and I built my own small business where while I was at school, I paid for rent and paid for food.

I also had a small business of my own where I helped others build their own passions and follow their own dreams, I helped people create systems. 

I’ve done so many things.

And I think that was the point, I was still so sad, still so unfulfilled, and I started to recognize that maybe it was because I was trying to create my worth and my value from things that were outside of who I am.

I was trying to define myself by those careers.

You know, if I could say,

– “I am an incredible accountant. I will help you do your books and your taxes so that you feel confident and supported”,

– or “I am the most talented incredible designer and I will help you design and build the home of your dreams”,

and I felt like if I could do those things then I could say, “This is who I am”, and then that would help me feel happy and confident.

So when I still didn’t feel like I knew who I was, it’s like I just couldn’t…

I had nothing to hold on to so there was no value within me, there was no recognition for my successes because what did they matter if they didn’t stick?

Then I got turned on to spirituality.

And I got turned on to energy, and I started reading, and I started listening – and I loved it.

And I started feeling less sad, and I started feeling less disconnected.

Then I started taking courses, I started taking classes, and I started deepening.

At this time I’m in my late 20’s, today I’m 33 so I’m now in my 30’s and I think when I hit 29 and then when I hit 30, that’s when I really dove in.

That’s when I started my inner healing journey and I started making conscious decisions.

Conscious decisions that I didn’t know at the time, were going to shift everything, my entire belief system.

And because of what was going to shift I was also going to go through massive emotional breakdowns and ego-deaths and, like, the awakenings that I’ve gone through I can see them now, now that I’m past them.

When I think back to when I was in them it just felt, a lot of the time, like I was so deep in the weeds and like I was waist deep in water with tall reeds, and weeds that were over my head and it was foggy and dense and I couldn’t see the way.

And all I wanted to do, all I wanted to do was just break down, and I wanted to stop.

My human mind, my consciousness, was like this is hard, just stop.

But my heart and my soul, which was really quiet still, was like no.

No, you can’t. You’re in it now and there’s no going back.

So take heart, and just take the next step.

Just move forward.

Just push one weed aside and eventually every time I kept going, the sun would shine through and show me the way.

That’s not to say that I wouldn’t go through it again, or that I will in the future still.

But the time spent in the weeds, when I first started, and I think this is a big, actually quite a big thing that is recently starting to be talked about, at least in my current reality, what I’m seeing in my own little world a little bit more.

I think when you’re first starting, what you don’t realize is how deep, how deep the programming goes.

Like how deep the societal expectations, familial expectations, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts from friends, what is “good” vs “bad”, what is “right” vs “wrong”.

How deeply all that programming goes is so intense.

And because when you’re first starting, if like me, you did or do a lot of it on your own.

You don’t have support from someone who either has gone through it so they’re on the other side and they’re already connected, already have had some awakenings, they can help you, they can support you, they can hold you in spaces where you can’t hold yourself yet because you really just, you can’t.

You can’t when you’re first starting because you don’t know how.

Because you’re not sure, because you’ve never done it before, and honestly because you’ve probably relied on the people outside of yourself to do it for you and you have trusted them.

And not that that was necessarily wrong.

But if the people that we are learning from are also not connected, have also not done the inner healing work or any healing work to know who they are.

They also don’t understand that who they are isn’t who YOU are going to be and therefore THEIR beliefs, THEIR ideas, and THEIR thoughts and, THEIR perceptions of the world;

the filter through which they see the world that they’ve created is not going to be the filter through which YOU see the world and the world that YOU are going to create.

Any filter impressed upon you by somebody else really becomes often a limitation.

Even someone who has done the healing work, has done a lot of their own inner journey to awaken, to let go, to embrace the beauty of all that life is and the beauty of becoming a co-creator.

Because we are so powerful and we are born knowing that but over time, like I said, because we are raised by people who have become disconnected, we forget it so easily because we are told something else.

We are told different things than what we are born with and because we are told them over, and over, and over, and over again they become our new truths.

Even when somebody has done the healing work and is healed in many ways, you did not come into this world to see the world through their filter anyways.

So even someone who is fully spiritual and connected and alive and awakened and is able to separate themselves, if they get caught up in trying to… not push their beliefs onto you, but if in their sharing they don’t recognize that you first have to learn how to separate yourself.

And that’s maybe when I’m trying to get at here in a round-about way is you have to know how to turn them off, and turn them down.

To turn everything outside of you down so that the only thing that’s filtering your reality is you;

is your heart, is the voice within you, is the source within you, is your soul, is your inner being

– if you listen to or read Abraham-Hicks, your inner being, your inner guidance.

And I think that was probably one of the biggest struggles for me was learning to separate myself because I‘m an Emotional in Human Design, I’m also a Projector, but that means I feel everything extremely deeply.

I was born into the world to fully experience the entire range of human emotion.

Because of this I have had past lives with incredible trauma because that trauma helped turn on the emotional capacity with which I was able to bring into this lifetime.

But in this lifetime, instead of experiencing, because that emotion is already turned on within me,

– I am already tuned in, tapped in, turned on

I get to take that in this life and dial up the joy;

dial up the love, dial up the abundance, dial up the happiness.

And as a Projector I see beyond you and what everyone sees.

I can see deeper than any of the, or many of the, other human design types.

If you’re unfamiliar, that’s what Projector and Emotional are that I’m referring to is my Human Design.

But because of this, and not knowing that that was who I was or part of who I was, growing up I also fought back a lot in terms of like, I want to say, raging against the man.

That’s the quote that’s coming to mind because I was the person who you gave a contract and if something didn’t make sense, or I felt like you were taking advantage of somebody wanting a job, and the terms just, and not even just like unjust, but to me seemingly illogical, like it just literally doesn’t make sense.

For example, there was one contract that stated your paycheck is based on a 35-hour week but overtime is based on a 40-hour work week and I was like, okay, so every paycheque I have to work an additional 5 hours in order to even hit overtime.

It just was like… it doesn’t make sense to me. It’s so illogical, and I fought back. 

And every time I had to fight back on things like that, all the other employees who had just gone along with it would say “I guess I see your point and no it’s not great but…”

And the employers would be so aghast, they’d be like “I’m sorry, why are you questioning me?” and I was like because it’s not right!

And because it doesn’t make sense and I don’t get you wanting to take advantage of good people who just want to help, who just want to serve, who just want to do a good job for you, and straight out of the gate you’re kind of effing with them.

It just didn’t feel right and I always spoke up, but I’ve never been confrontational.

I’ve always been pretty quiet!

Most people would probably describe me as, or back then as, pretty quiet and even now pretty calm.

But now I keep to myself most often because I know how to preserve my energy.

I know when to share my energy and I didn’t know that then so I was often giving energy where energy just wasn’t ready to be had.

And that’s always been something as well that I’ve had to contend with, like I said, as a Projector who can see beyond, I can see beyond possibilities.

I can see beyond limitations, and if you’re not ready to hear those, if you’re not ready for that insight, that can cause an ick!

So I definitely had trouble, you know, maintaining friendships because I just wasn’t…

I remember having one friend that I was speaking with about being really upset because, and this was before I’d started any of my own journey, but I was like “I just don’t understand because I don’t get invited to things and I’m so nice!

I’m such a kind person and I just dont get it.”

And her husband actually, it was so insightful on his part and he told my friend who later told me, 

he said, and I’m paraphrasing of course, “Yeah but she doesn’t play the games.

She’s not the person who shows up and is like oh my god it’s so great and this and that!

Like she’s not fake, she’s real, she’s authentic, and that’s frightening for people who aren’t quite there yet or who don’t really know how to handle that, who don’t really know how to take that.”

Very insightful I though and so I also, a lot of the time, and when I think about it now it’s so funny, I was sometimes, although quiet when I did speak, people would think I was abrasive.

Not rude, but definitely outspoken.

I asked questions! I wanted to know reasons and I wanted to talk about why you felt a way or why you believed it.

And not in a questioning you like “why would you think that?” or “why would you believe that?”, but in a legit – I want to learn.

And the only way for me to learn is to understand your insight, is to understand where you’re coming from, is to understand how you came to these ideas or beliefs about certain things or certain people so that I could maybe learn through you.

But if you’re somebody who is not used to thinking through what you’re actually sharing I can understand now that that would be something that would be, you know, a turn off.

That would be something that would be like ahhh, you’re bringing that girl around again. She just always challenges us and she always questions everything…

Something I’ve always said is I’m not the person who’s going to talk to you about the weather.

I want to know your hopes, your dreams, and your fears and I can be pretty intense!

Now that I know where that’s come from and I’ve done so much work to understand why I like to know, I now have much better people skills.

So I know, like I said, when to preserve my energy, and when to hold a little bit tighter, and when to share it, and also how to tell if somebody is ready.

Sometimes that would look like me just asking.

For example, my brother would come to me and he’d say something about our dad or our mom and how it’s been so hard and he was struggling so much and he’d tell me what happened and I’d listen and then I would just say,

“I’m here for you, do you want to know what my thoughts are or do you just need someone to listen to you right now?”

I learned to create that invitation and make sure that the other person was open to, or ready for, outside insight or outside perspective if that’s something they were calling me for.

And I was also totally fine if it’s something that they weren’t ready for and they just needed somebody to listen. 

I was there for that too, and that was fine because at that point I’d learned how to listen without taking on.

And that was big.

I had to create a lot of boundaries when I first started healing around certain topics because I couldn’t heal my own beliefs while holding and trying to heal other people’s beliefs.

You know, some things are pretty ingrained.

Some things are really deep.

So it can be really hard to be trying to shift your own beliefs or you’re whole inner system;

your system within of what you believe to be true and how worthy you are.

You’re trying to shift this but the people outside of you are not always.

So they might still be in that place of,

– life is really hard and you have to work really hard and money doesn’t just come and you have to be worthy by showing the world or showing whoever that you are.

You have to prove it first.

So when people outside of you are holding that belief, and you’re trying to shift an inner belief that’s saying,

“I am worthy just because I exist. I was born worthy. I have always been worthy.

The only thing that has ever been effected is my belief in that.”

The worthiness itself has never been effected, it’s just a fact, it’s just what it is.

But it can be hard to change when you try to have conversations, or you have to listen to somebody else who’s really struggling to think in a different way or to be open to a different perspective.

So there are boundaries there that absolutely need to happen.

And again, I had to learn that along the way.

There’s so many things that I had to learn along the way through my healing journey and even a lot of the time through trial and error because of what I didn’t know or what I didn’t understand.

The beautiful thing about that now – is how deeply I learned because I did it on my own.

Because I did so much of the healing through my own connection, creating that on my own time, with my own self.

Like I said I read a tone of books and listened to lots of podcasts.

I did all the free learning I possibly could, which I still do!

But I didn’t start really investing in healing services or offers until probably a year or two into my healing journey.

So it’s really only been, well it hasn’t been long at all, and I have been my own healer now for just under a year and I hire for other services.

I’ve worked with a Human Design coach who I love and will probably continue to work with.

I’ve worked with her a couple times and that’s helped me in so many ways.

I’ve worked with other Spiritual coaches who just help you awaken and deepen into who you are so that has been amazing.

But I had to do so much of it on my own, because I chose to, you know, I chose to do that on my own, but I also don’t feel like there was a ton, and maybe isn’t still a ton, out there.

There are ton of Spiritual Business coaches who are so beautiful but there aren’t a ton of just healers who really help you unlayer.

Who really help you get past all the human layers and programming that you have built up around your soul, up around your heart and its just quiet now, and so because I did that, it awakened that within me.

It awakened that desire to help bring others home to their hearts.

To help bring you so deeply home to this place of unconditional self-love and self-worth and self-knowing that you can always just tap back into because it starts to become your natural state.

At first it was alot of effort.

It was alot of effort to shift negative thoughts, negative beliefs, negative mindsets.

And now it’s my natural default so it’s the opposite where, you know…

Alot of us find that we’ll have a positive thought come in but the other voice is the negative voice that comes in and goes,

“oh it’s not that great” or “I dont think you can do that” or “I dont know is that really, ahh mm…”,

like the doubtful voice comes in.

Now it’s the opposite for me.

If I have a negative thought pop up, I have a positive voice that comes in and says,

“I dont think that’s true for you”, “I’m pretty sure you’re fine”, “I’m pretty sure you’re good”,

“I’m, actually, I know that you are so worthy. Look at you, you are beautiful on the inside and the outside”.

That is my natural voice now.

I definitely still have ups and downs, because we’re meant to, because we are human.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience and that’s literally why we’re here is to have that human experience.

And part of that human experience is to experience ups, downs, highs and lows because we’re here for the contrast.

We’re here for the duality of learning and having different opportunities happen and be offered so that we can decide what we want as individuals.

So that we can decide as spiritual beings, what’s the human experience that we desire, and you might say, yes, we all desire a lot of the same things.

We all desire to have financial abundance, we all desire to have love in abundance, we all desire to… I mean, those are really the core things I think is to feel happy, joyful, abundant, loving and loved.

But the way that we want to experience these things is different for every single one of us. 

And there might be similarities, everybody may like to travel in some way.

I do know people who don’t like to travel, although sometimes I wonder if that’s just because they haven’t traveled yet and there is a travel experience that’s out there for them because this world is just so big and there’s so many things to do so sometimes you just have to get out there.

Alot of the times I have found, when I’ve spoken with people who have expressed, and that’s just the example coming up, who have expressed that they aren’t big travellers and they don’t have a massive desire to travel.

Once we start talking and get into conversation we start to uncover that there was a belief that only the rich get to travel.

Only people who have money and who have wealth are the people who get to experience other places in the world.

Who get to go on vacation with their family, get to go on solo vacations and couple vacations, and only wealthy people get to do that.

So if you weren’t wealthy, and you saw wealthy people as outside of yourself and taking away your money creating a perception that you were poor because they were rich, that’s a belief that you may have instilled.

Or the opposite, if you were wealthy and you felt that it had turned you into somebody else, or you didn’t have loving parents, or whatever!

I have found in conversation there is almost always a belief that’s in there saying,

“I’m not going to like that thing, it’s just not for me”, and then you start to talk about it and realize that the reason they think they don’t like that thing, especially if they haven’t experienced it, and are adamant about it, that’s a belief.

There’s a belief somewhere hidden within that’s telling you that you are not worthy of it or deserving of it for some reason or another.

As just a fun little side note!

Anyways, this episode has gotten a little bit long so I hope that you gleaned so many wonderful things and got to know me a little better.

Got to know a little bit more about my journey and what has led me here.

I know we are going to have so many more amazing conversations on this podcast and I’m so excited to hear your thoughts, get to know you, and just connect!

So if you enjoyed today’s episode,

– please feel free to like, comment, and subscribe,

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Let them know that I am out there now and I am going to be offering you guys so much love, so much insight all around spirituality, energetics, emotional intelligence, emotional alchemy, inner awakening, and soul awakening.

And all things fun and hard, and wonderful and challenging around these topics.

Thank you so much for listening and until next time, have a beautiful, beautiful day!

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