Today, I want to dive deep into self-sabotage and how this can show up in unaligned actions.

For example, when our actions and our words don’t line up, we say one thing and do another. We say we have this goal, but then our actions seem to actively work against the goal or desire we have stated.

This doesn’t mean you don’t actually desire what you’re saying you want or that the desire itself is necessarily unaligned.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Healing Maven podcast!

I am your host, Jaymie Sutherland, Spiritual Healer and Teacher.

If you prefer to listen I’ve linked the episode right below! Or you can click here to be directed to the podcast links page for other listening options💖

Now, it can be the truth that your desire isn’t 100% aligned with what your soul purpose is or what your higher purpose is here on this earth in this lifetime that you’re experiencing.

But in most cases, it’s often there’s a fear or belief that’s running below the surface that’s countering that desire and in a fight versus your conscious and your unconscious, your unconscious will always win because it’s far more powerful than your conscious mind.

This is why we always want to be working with your unconscious mind to aid your conscious mind.

Bringing the unconscious to the conscious so we can start to heal, we can start to shift, and we can start to get those actions into alignment with the desires we are claiming and telling the universe we want to call in.

But when we’re holding a fear or belief that doesn’t align with our conscious desire this is why we say we want to lose weight and eat a whole box of cookies, this is why we say we want to start saving money and go on an unnecessary shopping spree.

It can also be the reason why someone you’re dating says you’re the one and they choose you, but then don’t call you after making that proclamation.

It’s not necessarily that their proclamation was a lie, but it could be there’s a fear below the surface or a wounding, an emotional baggage, a block below the surface that’s actively working against them wanting to really be able to commit to somebody else.

So after that moment of decided and spoken vulnerability where we are claiming what we want, where we are telling our friends, our family, our partner, that new connection, how powerfully we feel about them, all of a sudden, we go away and a fear of intimacy, of vulnerability, fears of rejection or abandonment rise up within we aren’t aware of.

Those are the hidden beliefs, traumas, or wounding causing that feeling of fear and overpowering the desire to be able to commit to take action towards what they want or who they want.

So when we make decisions and we struggle to follow through, it’s because there’s the subconscious fear or belief from wounding within currently holding more power than the conscious desire.

So recognizing where your desire and ability or action to follow through and support that desire are different or mismatched is a way to discover where there’s healing yet to do.

If you ignore that your actions don’t match, so when you decide you want to lose weight and then eat that box of cookies, or you say you want to commit to the person you love or the person you’ve just met and are feeling really good about, but then you don’t call them back, but then you go and buy that expensive watch or bag.

It’s because there’s something within you holding more power than the conscious desire.

Because, like I said, your unconscious is more powerful than your conscious, so fear and wounding, if left unhealed, if left alone, if left just even unrecognised, if left below your level of awareness, will always overpower your conscious desire, your conscious thought.

It will always overpower your conscious moment after saying, “this is what I want and it feels really good when I think about what I want.”

But then you go to take action and meet resistance so you have to bring awareness to your next thought being, “when I go to take the next action to bring in what I want all of a sudden I feel terrified”.

All of that is rising to the surface, and not to say – hey buddy, this isn’t for you!

The message is – hey, I really want you to have this as well, but in order for you to hold it once you receive it, we really have to clear up these emotional blocks, this wounding from your past experiences or perhaps from past lives.

We really have to get this out of the way. We really have to heal this, take the lesson, and release the wounding so you can have that desire, so you can take fun, excited action to create what you want, and then keep it.

Because we all have this temperature gauge, you know, if you think about it like a thermostat, where the top of our thermostat is the ceiling with which our subconscious mind is comfortable receiving or having or holding.

So if as you’re growing, and you’re going through your journey, and you’re having fun and doing your thing, you start hitting that ceiling.

That’s the point where you’re gonna go, “oh no, no, no, no, no, no, can’t do it, too much, too high!”.

It’s also why, for example, when we have financial ceilings, when we have financial thermostats, this is why you’ll see people who win the lottery and they’re amazed and beyond happy, it’s what they’ve always wanted!

Then a year later they have nothing again, or they have five thousand dollars, like they have exactly what they started with.

If they started with five grand, won the lottery, and a year later, spent it all, and now they have five grand again. That’s because five thousand dollars is their financial ceiling.

Five thousand dollars is the maximum amount their body is currently energetically comfortable and able to hold and to have.

In order to hold and have more, you have to break through that ceiling, and that means when we meet that ceiling, instead of spiralling back down into our old life so we come back down to the ceiling we’re comfortable with, we have to meet the emotions coming up.

We have to meet those feelings coming up when we hit that ceiling, and then shift them, recognize them, heal them, do the work that’s needed to be done so you can take the lesson, let go of the wounding, and push past your ceiling.

And sometimes this is going to take courageous action.

But the problem is instead of taking courageous action, instead of meeting those emotions as they come up, we ignore that our actions aren’t matching what we’re saying we want and we shame, and we belittle, and we put ourselves down for doing something that goes directly against what we wanted.

So our actions don’t match, but we continue to hold the desire.

But if in that moment of attempting to take courageous action, or you hit that ceiling, and you’re like, “well I’m gonna push through it, but it is hard, and it hurts, and it’s difficult”.

And you just feel like you’re trudging uphill, and you’re still not really pushing past that ceiling. 

You’re still not really getting the results you want, it’s so much easier if you can recognize what’s coming up and begin to heal it.

Do the healing work to shift it out of your programming so you can rewire in those new beliefs that actually support you in taking courageous action towards the desire you want.

Recognizing where your desire and your ability or action to follow through and support that desire are different or mismatched is a way to discover where there is healing yet to do.

If you ignore that your actions don’t match, or if when you do take an action that goes against your desire, you find yourself shaming, belittling, or putting yourself down.

So you eat that box of cookies after saying you’re unhappy with your weight, and then you pile on yourself with negativity.

“I’m so stupid. Why did I do that? I can’t believe I ate that whole box of cookies.

I’m such an ass. This is so ridiculous. It’s like I don’t even…”

If you start going down that shame spiral and belittling yourself when your actions don’t match, that’s not going to change your desire.

It’s actually going to hold you even farther away from reaching that desire.

Because all that is, that mismatch of action versus desire, is a fear below the surface.

It’s not because your present self isn’t strong enough, doesn’t have enough willpower, doesn’t have enough desire.

It’s got nothing to do with what you currently want to create and everything to do with what’s running below the surface that’s going counterintuitively against that desire.

And the fear will just keep coming up and getting bigger and stronger when it is a true desire because the unconscious fears are things in your way and need to be cleared.

Your desire has been heard and received, Spirit is going to orchestrate experiences for that fear in other ways to rise up for you so you can recognize it and start to heal it to clear the way.

This is kind of like the synchronicities we’ll often see, because you have a desire and you’re going for it, you’re reaching for it, and you find yourself self-sabotaging and then you start to get down on yourself.

Spirit will orchestrate, will put in your journey, put on your path, a different experience, but with the same unconscious fear.

The hope or idea is maybe in this new situation you will be able to recognize that fear is running.

Then as you clear that fear, it’s going to snowball, domino effect, and clear the way for all these other desires and all these other things you are wanting where that fear was blocking them until it can finally basically clear the path for what you want to come in.

This is also where we often see people give up on their desires.

Because they’re unaware of what’s running within their subconscious, they put out new desires thinking that desire is not actually what they want.

They think, “it must not be because it’s way too hard for me to follow through on so it’s obviously not what I actually want”.

Even though the desire keeps coming up and keeps coming up, and it’s unrelenting in its awareness, in its place in your mind of – hey, you want this? Hey, you want this? Hey, wouldn’t this be nice? Hey, wouldn’t this be cool? Ah, this would be so great. Wouldn’t you just love if this was a part of your experience?

That desire is unrelenting because it’s meant for you. It’s meant to come in.

It’s meant for you to have the experience of having, holding, keeping, loving, learning, growing with that desire.

So when any necessary challenges come up to direct and help you get there, it can feel hard, and it can feel just too hurtful. So you give up on it.

At least, you consciously give up on it.

But spirit often will still hold that desire which is also why it continues to come up so the little challenges, your moments of, “oh, this is too hard I give up”.

And the challenges kind of fall away, but then the desire returns again or a similar desire is initiated, and the fear is triggered for healing again. This is also why we give up if we believe challenges that arise or resistance to taking action on a desire means the desire is unaligned or not meant for us.

If you have a desire, it’s yours to achieve. It’s yours to have. It’s yours to experience.

And part of the purpose in receiving this desire is there’s growth for you to experience in the journey to receiving it, in the journey to achieving it, and that includes taking action.

This is a space I’ve been stuck in for a really, really long time. I felt like I was connecting, and I felt so good, and I was so excited and doing all the healing work, and shifting everything in my awareness, and my perspectives, and the way I view myself, and relationships, and love, and the world, and connecting with my team.

But when it came to taking action it still felt like I needed a little bit of courage but the courage felt different.

And I think this is a piece I was missing and finally started to click in for me as I thought doing the healing work and doing the shifting work meant it wouldn’t feel scary to do something new. Something new is always going to feel scary.

That’s just the human condition. That’s just the human piece of who we are.

If you’ve done, if you’re about to do something, or you’re trying to do something, or you want to do something you’ve never done before, especially if nobody in your world has ever done it.

If you’re clearing paths for people behind you to also be able to claim their desires, to claim what they want from this world, and to decide it’s okay they want more and not only that but to go for more.

So I thought it would be this super easy thing where there wouldn’t be any fear, and so countering that, when I did have doubt or fear come up when I went to do something new I assumed that meant I still had healing work to do. But that wasn’t the truth either.

It was just that it was something completely brand new to me. So I had to be okay with knowing that I know how to tell.

I had to really anchor into trust in myself.

That I’m so aware in my body, my team is supporting me, I intuitively am connecting, spiritually connecting, I’m aligned, I’m on my soul path.

Therefore, I’m able to look at a fear or a feeling of fear, a feeling of doubt, and say, is there something deeper here? Or is this just a little bit of courageous action so I can push past it? Because this is just something new.

And when I started pushing past that momentary buildup of doubt it was so much easier on the other side because there really wasn’t anything for me to clear.

And if when I pushed past and took the action, and then I got on the other side, and it did still feel really sludgy and hard and slow moving, or it was painful in some way, then I’d also know there was healing there that needs to happen.

Then I could do that and push past that and on the other side I found the ease in taking that courageous action. But it is always a little bit of courageous action whether that’s facing the fear or knowing it’s safe to push past it.

Doing the healing work doesn’t necessarily mean everything is going to feel easy to do, because we are human, and we do have emotions, and we do have feelings, and when we are doing something new, that can feel scary, that can bring up doubt that can make us fall into old patterns, old habits.

You have to become aware of these, just like recognizing where your desires and your actions don’t match.

So if you continue to hold the desire when you come up against these challenges, and you say, “okay, but I do really want this, and it feels really good to have it, and I can see it, and I can visualise it”.

Then you’ll be shown the places you need to heal in order to receive, keep, and hold it.

You’ll also be moved through experiences to help you hone, or even sometimes redirect the desire if there’s actually something even better or deeper you can experience.

Because really, our human imagination, what we can visualise, is quite limited in comparison to obviously what the universe can see for us, what our spiritual team can see for us.

The blueprint of what they can see is happening is so much bigger than what we’re able to see because if you could see the whole thing, I mean, if you just think about the piece you can see now and how overwhelming it is sometimes, or how fearful it becomes for you, if you could see the whole thing, you might never get out of bed!

And that’s not what anybody really wants. Actually, it’s absolutely what nobody wants to happen. So you don’t get to see the whole thing.

So imagining, “this is what I want, or something better” and always going after your desire, but your desire becomes the lowest set point so the expectation you’re curating is, “I receive exactly what I want, or something better”.

And this is where faith and trust come in, so in those times when your current desire seems to fall through, even though you’re healing and moving through every layer that rises up, like you’re doing the work but that thing you claimed at the beginning is what you wanted just isn’t coming through, it’s because Spirit is orchestrating something even better.

You could settle for that desire, or you could have this – is what spirit is saying.

So having that faith because yes, you’ll follow through on moving to this new place with this person you feel is the one, because that gets you to where your true mate will actually be.

So the person you thought was your person wasn’t your person, and you’re devastated but you heal, and you move through that, and you take what you need, and in that healing you take a class, and you actually run into your person because of it.

The things we have to go through on the journey to our desires, like our conscious desires, when we go, “oh, that’d be really great, I want that.”.

On your journey to that thing you’re also potentially on a journey to something even better and that thing is just another step.

So remain open when things crumble, when you experience those tower moments, when you experience those breakdowns and ego deaths. The crumbling is making space for something even better.

It’s clearing the way for your next awakening, your next rebirth.

And the harder you fight against it, the harder the fall will feel.

So building a foundation of self-trust with your body and your intuition helps you to be able to recognize and move through those moments with more ease.

Building a foundation of self-love and inner worth will help you move through the moments with others where their words and their actions don’t match because you’ll understand, you’ll get it, you’ll see it, and then you can choose what you want to do from there.

Both will help you recognize where you’re unaligned in your conscious desire and your subconscious belief so building healing foundations is the start of everything, because having an awareness is only the beginning.

Having an awareness or understanding is only the surface.

Going back to the scenario of the person you’re dating stating they want you, stating you’re the one, and then not calling you, not following up with you.

It’s true they might be a jerk and they were lying to manipulate you.

It may also be true they weren’t lying and fear overpowered their desire to be with you.

If you don’t have this understanding or awareness you’ll find yourself being very confused as they’re continually saying one thing and doing another. And you’ll most likely also take it personally as meaning something negative about you.

If you only have this understanding and awareness without a foundation of inner trust and self-love you might allow the empathy you feel that they may just be scared to keep you going back to them and repeating your pattern again and again.

Because when their fear dies down after they haven’t called you and they have space and they have time, their desire rises up again, becomes a little bit stronger than the fear, and they reach back out.

And you connect and you talk again, and then their fear becomes stronger than the desire and they distance, and it repeats and repeats.

So having understanding and awareness allows you to have empathy for what they are going through.

Building foundations of inner trust, of self-love, of self-worth, allow you to offer empathy and understanding while also shutting down repeating patterns with ease because you’ll start to honour your boundaries and desires.

You have the understanding and awareness that whether they’re a manipulator or simply caught in a cycle of their own fear, neither are about you. Therefore, you won’t take it personally.

And because you have self-worth and inner worth, it doesn’t matter whether it’s one or the other because you no longer put up with unaligned words and actions from someone who isn’t doing the healing work to break their own patterns and cycles.

So building awareness allows you to separate from what’s happening around you, meaning something about you. Building inner love and self-worth allows you to create and hold change to having those experiences enter your life, shut down those cycles, and you can even bring them to people’s awareness to say,

“Hey, this is the pattern you’re repeating. You obviously have something below the surface you need to clear, you need to heal. So if you want to go do that work and come back, if I’m still available, I think you’re a lovely, wonderful person and this could really be something. 

But it’s never going to get anywhere while you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in this cycle of trauma and wounding.

And I have enough self-awareness, self-love, trust, and faith in myself and in the process with which my journey is that I don’t have to stand for this anymore. I’m doing the work to heal where my actions and my words are misaligned or mismatched. So whoever I’m with I expect to be doing the same.”

Because now you know that’s just a cycle and once you start recognizing the cycle you can make the change.

It takes a whole new level to self-sabotage and almost honestly, there’s really no such thing.

There’s really no such thing in terms of, like, it’s a human-made concept where we’re sabotaging ourselves and technically we are because we’re the ones who are taking the action that’s not aligned with our desire but it’s not because we’re like, “screw me, I don’t like me and I suck”.

You’re not going against yourself because you want to go against yourself.

You’re going against yourself because there’s something there unaligned with the desire.

“I want more money, but I feel like people who have money are evil and bad and money makes people do nasty things.”

“I really want somebody, a partner, who’s gonna love me for who I am and take me on their adventures and journeys with them, but I don’t really think I’m lovable. I’m not really worthy of real true love.”

“I really want to go on a weight loss and health journey and I want to be fit and feel good in my body, but if I look good that means more people are probably gonna notice me and if more people are gonna notice me, I’m gonna be seen a lot and if I’m gonna be seen a lot, I’m gonna be judged a lot more because now I’m way out there so I’m just gonna stay where I am.”

You have to follow the feeling to get to the root of the action.

I hope there were some amazing things in this mini-masterclass on self-sabotage that you gleaned and were able to walk away with. I’m so excited for all the shifts you’re going to make, for all of the desires you’re going to reclaim and go for.

I love you all so much! I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day.